He Carries Me

Isa 46:4
"Even to your old age and gray hairs
    I am he, I am he who will sustain you.
I have made you and I will carry you;
    I will sustain you and I will rescue you."


It is almost two months since the last post and looking back to the two months, the LORD has indeed carried me. 
Many of you reading this post today would be familiar with the poem " Footprints in the Sand" http://www.footprints-inthe-sand.com/index.php?page=Poem/Poem.php .Unlike the writer, I can never complain about the single set of footprints because the LORD has carried me.

In the previous post, I was in the hospital for a round of treatment; it happened and I ended up being in hospital for 6 days. Intense pain set in about 5 minutes to the end of the procedure and became a companion for the next 3 weeks. In the two years of treatment, that round of treatment was the hardest on my body; besides the pain, I was nauseous, nil by mouth for 5 days, the body was swollen for about a week and sleep was elusive. In those moments, my comfort was the awareness that the LORD was present with me and would carry me through. 

I have longed for the end of the season but rejoiced more in God's grace; He avails His grace to enable us to endure or overcome a season. During one of those days when I was in intense pain and couldn't even pray, I was inspired to write a song, " Praise in my pain". Pain has a way of clouding our perspective and on that particular day, I just needed to remind myself that God is worth of my praise even while I am in the pain.

The review after the procedure was done last week and it showed that the lesion has reduced in size. The doctor recommends another round of treatment and he also made it clear that there is nothing they can do to eliminate the lesion but can only control its enlargement. It is certainly not what I hoped to hear but I am grateful that God has given me peace and joy. The situation is not impossible for Him to deal with. I have decided to go back home, I certainly need a break. I am looking forward to being with my loved ones, to serve in the church, to go back to school to complete my thesis and to sing the songs that have been born in this season.

I am resting in God's faithfulness and dependability. Since season is not over yet, I know there is grace available to carry me through.

In the midst of the disappointments of life, I know I have an anchor for my soul. It has not been all gloom, I am rejoicing in the birth of my niece last week, she is a miracle in every way. 

Are you feeling hard pressed?, is your faith waning? do not give up or give in to fear. There is no limit to what God can do. Miracles are still his speciality. I pray that He will fill you with His peace like He has filled me, that you would remain assured of His love and goodness and that your praises of Him would be ceaseless. He will carry you through.

This I am convinced, the end of the matter is our good and His glory. 

Praise in My Pain

The suffering of today; 

incomparable to the glory to be revealed

My faith more precious than gold 

Is being refined to bring you glory

I will praise you in my pain

Not that you would  me out

But because you deserve it

I will praise you in my pain

You work all things for my good 

and for your glory

Me being like your Son

Is the desired goal

So I will raise my praise

I will endure not because I can

But the grace you give

As the refiner you hold me in your hands

So my praise I raise

Blessings to you and your loved ones!

Anchored....

Romans 8:28

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

It is possible that I have written that scripture in another post, every time I think about it I marvel at the goodness of God. I am confident that God is working ALL things out not just for my good but for His glory.

The scheduled treatment didn't happen as there was a delay in the delivery of the machine. I am writing from the hospital bed awaiting the treatment tomorrow. The past two weeks have been hard; I have been in pain, dizzy and nauseous but certainly never without something to thank God for. I am grateful that I have not been without hope in the midst of it all, that I have had the assurance of His presence with me, that His promises are true.

Truth is, when I listen to my body at times my mind gets crowded, it is easier when I can easily explain to myself why I could be in sudden pain. Worry is an enemy that I consciously and deliberately try keep out of my heart. The easiest way to do that has been going back to the promises that God has made to me. David the Psalmist was right when he said" my comfort in my suffering is this,your promise preserves my life".

As I sleep tonight, I have the confidence that God is in control. The after effects of last treatment are still fresh on my mind and hearing the doctor say they will use a higher dose, I can only hope and trust that my body will handle it well. There is comfort in knowing that the LORD will never leave me nor forsake me; that He is with me through it all.

My encouragement to any of you reading this today and battling worry, fear & discouragement, take time and remember God's promises to you. If you have none, please ask Him for one. I believe He gives us His promises to serve a walking stick in the climb and a sign that there will be a brighter day. Our responsibility in this I believe is to stay the course and keep the course.

My hope is anchored in my LORD JESUS and I know He is dependable!!

Blessings to you and your loved ones!

Comforted....

2 Corinthians 1:1-4
All praise to God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. God is our merciful Father and the source of all comfort. He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us.

As I have journeyed through life, the years that the LORD has allowed me to be here, this I am confident about; I have received much comfort from the LORD. His expectation of me is to comfort others with the same comfort I have received.

I have celebrated the last two birthdays on a hospital bed; right after surgery in 2013 and during my last systemic chemo last year. I desired that this year would be different; the LORD is gracious it was. I was up and about and not in pain. To me, those are things that I no longer take lightly but become a reason for celebration. The celebrations began  two days before the day, my best friend and my aunt decided to give me a wonderful treat..shoes!!  You can be sure they gave me a reason to do a happy dance. On the actual day my hosts had a cozy party for me and a group of friends were with me to celebrate. God has a way of lavishing us with His love in ways we least expect, my host's wife and their 3 old son had spent many hours baking cookies, the son had even prayed the night before for God to help him make a nice card for me. The love of those friends filled my heart. 

In the midst of the celebration, I heard about a friend's friend friend( not a typo, that is how long the connection is..a friend to my friend's friend) had been diagnosed with stage 4 cancer the previous week. My friend invited us to accompany him to the hospital to visit the friend's friend. Seven of us went; in India, such gestures are deeply appreciated. As we were going the hospital, I thought of the many people that came to see me in hospital when I was admitted, thought of the nurses who were attending to me during my chemo sessions and how they bought me chocolates and sung for me during my birthday last year. Beyond any reasonable doubt, I had been comforted by the LORD. We are still praying and trusting God to do what looks impossible to man.I don't believe there is any situation that is a hopeless case to the LORD.

A few hours ago I had an opportunity to visit a special needs school with another group of friends. As we sung and danced, it was such a delight to see the children happy and very eager to join in. I also saw parents come to pick their children and a particular parent got my attention, he has twins that are special needs children. As heavy as that cross is, I am certain God has a way of offering comfort him and his family.

It is so easy to think of oneself as the person going through a very rough patch, truth is ,there is always someone going through a more difficult situation. When we learn to get our eyes off ourselves we would be amazed at how our perspective to our situations would change.

So if today you are between a rock and a hard place, please find encouragement in knowing that God cares and He desires to comfort you so that you can comfort another. When you can't seem to see what's working, try and count your blessings. There is something about counting our blessings that helps us to see God's faithfulness in the past and offer us hope for the present and the future. Be on the look out for someone who needs your encouragement, in encouraging others you realize that you also receive encouragement.

In six days I will undergo the next round of treatment, the LORD has me in his hands and my heart is at rest. In the words of King David " LORD, you alone are my portion and my cup; you make my lot secure" Psalm 16:5. Momentary afflictions are part of the my lot but they shall not overwhelm me. I am endeavoring to comfort others with the comfort I have received.

Blessings to you and your loved ones!!

On my birthday 24th Feb,2015.

Sovereign Over Us

Sovereign Over Us : Aaron Keyes

There is strength within the sorrow, There is beauty in our tears

You meet us in our mourning, With a love that casts out fear

You are working in our waiting, Sanctifying us

When beyond our understanding, You're teaching us to trust

CHORUS

Your plans are still to prosper, You have not forgotten us

You're with us in the fire and the flood

Faithful forever, Perfect in love

You are sovereign over us

You are wisdom unimagined, Who could understand your ways

Reigning high above the heavens, Reaching down in endless grace

Youʼre the Lifter of the lowly, Compassionate and kind

You surround and You uphold me, Your promises are my delight

Even what the enemy means for evil

You turn it for our good, You turn it for our good and for your glory

Even in the valley You are faithful

Youʼre working for our good, Youʼre working for our good and for your glory

I believe such a song is rarely birthed in the sunshine but in the storms and God is his unending love allows them to be sung to comfort the singer and those that hear it. 

It is over a month since the last post, life ended up being busier than I expected.  I enjoyed my time with the loved ones in Kenya and as I write I am back to India. I started this post with the words of that song because they resonate with my heart, indeed God is working everything for our good and for His glory. There are testimonies about God that I have heard from people that maybe I would not have had the privilege of hearing had I not gone through this phase. I am experiencing different facets of my God and for that I rejoice.

Every time I am packing to come to India, the prayer in my heart usually is, " LORD, when I go back, getting a clean bill of health would be wonderful, but should the report be different, I know that you are working everything for my good and for your glory." The truth is, my understanding of good is limited, it is biased based on life's experiences and my socialization, with that in mind I just speak His Word back to Him and let Him know that I trust Him.

" Seated at the waiting area,another day with the team. 

As always they asked for my details  and gave me a form.

Sit, we will call you in a short while they said.

Once again I remind myself my God is in control.

The voice of fear says the report today will not be good.

It reminds me of the pain  I had the other day that I couldn't understand.

I ponder over it for a second then the voice that guides me says

Fear not child, I have you in my hands, I will carry you.

So today, I am listening to your voice LORD.

Thank you for your assurance and presence with me.

You in me is greater and your voice I believe."

Reviews are never easy, they are moments of mixed emotions but I have learnt to find rest in His promises. 

This review was not different but I have a different report from the doctors, the blood level is at its highest in the last 2 years, the liver functions and other vitals are good, the largest lesion has reduced by 50% and there has been no increase in the number of lesions. I am so grateful to God, He has been gracious towards me. The doctors have recommended another round of treatment which will be done in two weeks time.

As I wait for the procedure, I am counting my blessings. February has become an interesting month, I seem to have a number of days that have become significant, from the diagnosis on Feb 1st 2013, admission for the surgery on 21st 2013, surgery on 22nd 2013, birthday on 24th and the latest addition to this list is World Cancer Day. All these days have one thing in common; they are reminders of God's loving kindness towards me.

Going back to the song, whatever storm any of you reading today would be going through, these words are true " His plan is still to prosper, He has not forgotten us .He is with us in the fire and the flood. He is faithful forever & perfect in love. He are sovereign over us." 

He is not unkind and whatever He allows to happen to His children, He has a purpose for it. Allow Him to carry you and find rest in Him. 

He has carried me. 

Blessings to you and your loved ones!

I Am My Beloved's and He is Mine and His Banner over Me is Love.

Zephaniah 3:17
"The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing."

Those are words from the lover of my soul that just bring joy to my heart and fill me with peace. It's over a month since the last post. How time has gone by is kind of hard to explain. After the drama with the government office in India, I finally got a go ahead to go on with treatment and got admitted on 13/12/2014 for a procedure called "Transarterial Radioembolization" ( in simple language it's just an internal form of radiotherapy), according to the doctors, the procedure went well; not that I expected them to say anything different since I know who is holding me by his hand. I was discharged after 3 days and the following 2 and a half weeks were really hard on the body , the dizziness and nausea were more than I had experienced during chemotherapy but the LORD kept my heart joyful and at peace.

Just before I checked into hospital on 13/12/2014

I was given a six weeks break before the next major review and was allowed to go home for a few weeks. The days before I left India were draining, the process of getting travel clearance from the foreigners office was gruesome but by God's grace I was able to go home on 27th Dec, 2014. God answers prayer and is concerned about the tiniest details of our lives; I was not psychologically prepared to be in India for Christmas and New Year. I just wanted to be with my loved ones back home and He made it possible for me to do that.

I have been deeeply touched by the love of friends and family, many contributed towards my medical kitty for the sessions, the target is to raise $ 11,500 and $ 3,500 has been raised so far and that enabled me to do the procedure. To date I have spent about $ 25,000. I can never thank all those God has used to provide for me enough but I know that God has seen and I pray that you would all be blessed exceedingly. beyond the money, many have prayed, and this I can boldly say " I am here today because of the prayers many have prayed on my behalf and God has answered ".

2015 is here with us, I am grateful that I got the opportunity to be with my family in the beginning of a New Year. It's going to be a great year, I know who holds my days and He will do more than I have thought, asked or even imagined. I know that His promises are true and He will fulfill them. Did I make any resolutions? Nope, my desire for each day in the past 2 years has been that with each day I woud love Jesus and His people more. So that is what I am living for.As I think about life, the greatest miracle in my life would not be being declared cancer free by the doctors but the fact that I have experienced God in the journey and my faith in Him has been enriched. ( The being cancer free, science is limited but I know what the LORD says in His Word" by his strips I am healed", so regardless of the report I get, that is what I know and believe).

I will be in Kenya till Feb 8th God willing, then go for the review. In the mean time, I will gladly serve the community God has allowed me to serve at Karura Community Chapel ( an amazing congregation I must say, I am honoured to serve amongst them) and spend time with my loved ones.

For any of you reading this today and maybe you are at a point in life where you are uncertain how things will be because there seems to be odds against against you, I pray that the LORD will strengthen you as He has strengthened me, I pray that you will find rest in Him. Though He might seem to be far away, He is near and willing to carry you through.

I have been asked by many how they can support me, this is how
1. Pray with thanksgiving for me, the LORD has kept me by His grace and for His glory.
2. Pray for my support structure ( family and my best friend) that they would abound in peace and joy.
3. I would appreciate financial support, you can send your contribution via mpesa pay bill no 552800 Account no 0102016655002. Feel free to inbox me should you want to use my mobile no for mpesa.

Psalm 119:50
"My comfort in my suffering is this: Your promise preserves my life."

Blessed 2015 to you and your loved ones!!!

LORD, Your Grace Amazes Me

In the words of Phillips, Craig and Dean,
Your grace still amazes me,
Your love still a mystery,
Each day , I fall on my knees,
Your grace still amazes me"

During a sung worship session in between the chemo cycles.

Those words express my deepest sentiments and those of one of my friends ( Sheila wa Tele), I am testifying on your behalf :-)

For many years people have told me that I am strong and especially in the last two weeks after the second post. I have been thinking about that ; I acknowledge that the LORD has given me inner strength. So, I can only boast in what He has done.

It is God's grace that has kept me joyful in the difficult times, it is his grace that kept me sane during chemo sessions when I was experiencing pain from my scalp to my soles, it is his grace that has kept me at peace when the bills have been so high and the dimes so low. Yes, it has been his grace.

This was a difficult week, had to get a document from a government office to enable me to continue with treatment, after going to this office for a week since last week, by Thursday I was tired and frustrated. When I was asked to go back to that office on Tuesday this week, I was certain anger would get the best of me. I quickly made a prayer and asked God to help me. I had to submit some documents for the 3rd time, each time in a different format and as I walked out to get them, i was literally balancing tears. Half an hour later, I only had one prayer, "LORD, help me out, provide a way for me to submit the documents before the office closes in half an hour", and He helped. So, God willing,I will undergo treatment this week.

The grace of God is what has enabled me to have the strength to hope and believe that all will be well.  Today I was leading worship at a certain Church and that is a privilege God has given me that keeps me psyched about life. As I was singing one of the songs I was so aware of the things that the LORD does that bring us joy in the midst of difficult circumstances.

So, for any one going through a difficult time today, I pray that God will reveal to you His grace. It is a gift He gives freely, receive it. His grace does not always say I am getting you out of this situation now, but it says,however long this might take, be sure I am with you and will help you through.

" She heard some tragic news,

some with conflicting views,

Tears and unspoken fears.

But each time she raised a song,

Today, I heard her sing

I'm resting in your grace,

For sufficient it always is.

LORD, I'm resting in your grace.

Those who know her always say

You are strong,

She knows they are wrong

And says, " it has been his grace''

Today she is telling the world

I'm resting in his grace,

For sufficient it always is.

LORD, I'm resting in your grace.

Your grace says, 

"I am with You

Be not afraid.

The best is yet to come

So rest in my grace"

God is good...All the time

God is good, all the time and all the time, God is good. 

I am certain that a number of you reading this post are familiar with this call and response. But, is it possible to wonder whether He is good all the time?
Yes it is, I have been there and done that.

Someone asked me if this phase of  my life is the greatest faith challenge I have had to deal with so far, I am delighted to let you all know that it is not.

Yesterday was 6 years since my younger brother passed on, that memory is still so fresh as if it happened yesterday. They say time heals all wounds, I beg to differ, it is not time, God heals all wounds. After the passing on of a loved one, there is an emptiness and pain that time can't and won't heal, for me it hasn't. I feel that God comforts us and allows us to remember our loved ones and not feel like our heart is being ripped apart.

6 years ago on that morning, I received the call about my brother being involved in an accident and was in hospital. As always, a song played in my mind
" Jehovah is your name, Jehovah is your name;
mighty warrior , great in battle.
Jehovah is your name"

I  made hastily said the most earnest prayer I have ever made, LORD, please preserve the life of my brother. We met at the hospital and got to talk to my bro. We quickly transferred him to another hospital and he died 5 minutes before arriving at the hospital. I continued to sing the song even after receiving the news. During that week as we prepared for the burial I can assure you I sung many songs.  Anyone that knows me will tell you I cry a lot and laugh heartily. That week when my brother, my closest friend died, I didn't cry. I chose to plan his funeral.

Little did I know that something in me also died, I felt God did not heed to my prayer and for about a year or more, I led worship but told Him I would never ask for anything since He does as He pleases anyway. Oh, the LORD is kind and gracious, He journeyed with me over time and helped me see his goodness even in the midst of my pain. Not that I have answers to why Kevin( my brother) died at a tender age of 23 and I have settled with my heart that some answers I will not have while on this side of the river and maybe when I finally meet Him, they won't even matter.

So when I received the diagnosis I did not and have not had the question ,why me or doubted His goodness. I am going through this with an unwavering confidence in God's goodness. I have come to the conclusion that the greatest miracle is not the doctors declaring me cancer free but my faith in the LORD remaining intact and growing. A wise lady told me that God's desire is that the three eternal virtues may remain; faith, hope and love.

Today if you are reading this and your heart is aching over the loss of a loved one, I pray that the LORD will comfort and heal you. He can deal with the pain if you hand it over to Him.
For you who maybe received a cancer diagnosis today or any heartbreaking news, I pray that you will experience God's goodness in the midst of your pain. keep your eyes on Jesus, He gives grace for each day ( that has become my motto for each day).

God's goodness is not determined by what is happening around me; it is His nature. HE IS GOOD ALL THE TIME!!

This little girl says it all...

Blessings to you!